Goin in since 92'

Is not how I should be feeling. My emotions are all over the place and I feel completely confused and lost. All I’ve been doing is hurting him…I keep saying the wrong things and making you depressed. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!? I’m going down hill…I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I used to be so different…Its just been the past couple months that this has been happening. Its probably because I’m so afraid to graduate. So scared of what the next chapter is to bring to my life. My main concern is losing him…He is my world, my soul, my other half. I don’t want me graduating to end our relationship. I want it to help us grow more…But I keep fucking up! All I want to do is make him happy and want to live and show him all the love I have in my heart. I stress out way to much, FUCK THESE STUPID DEPRESSION PROBLEMS AND FUCK BEING BI-POLAR! I hate this life I’m living. I’m only fucking 19 and I have MORE problems than my 49 year old mother…That’s horrible. I’m afraid of dying at a young age and not experiencing a beautiful wedding and a long loving marriage. And not being able to experience having a beautiful soul growing in my body and giving birth to one of natures most beautiful things to earth. I feel like the worst person in the world for the things I put him through…He doesn’t deserve it at all…I’m a terrible person. I just want to go at least 3 months without crying, worrying, overreacting, hurting people, being a bitch and all the other negative things. I JUST WANT TO BE PLAIN HAPPY! I’m tired of feeling this way…Everyday I’m depressed about something. And I feel horrible because my he tries so hard to make me feel better and it works, but once he is gone its back to depression. And sometimes what he does doesn’t even help and it bothers him. And then seeing him upset makes me even MORE depressed…I seriously need to see a therapist and get back onto my medication because I feel like I’m gonna end up going fucking insane one of these days because of how much I have built up inside. I hate taking everything I’m feeling out on everyone else. I don’t mean to but I don’t know what to do with everything that is all bottled up inside of me. I just want to scream, cry, cut, kill myself. Do anything to stop this…I just want to live a normal life and put all of the negative things that have happened to me in the past in the past. Just think of the present and the future. But idk why I cant let them go…I really need help…=/